School Time

The kids are back in school. I’m not too thrilled that they will be gone all day, schedules to keep up with, uniforms to clean, lunches to be made, etc. I hesitate to plan anything on my schedule knowing that at a moment it could all be wiped away. I’m not sure how long the feeling of fear will still plague my thoughts. Every time I write something on my Palm, I think to myself, “well maybe.” Two days of school and Joshua can’t go on Monday. He is sick again. I love being with him and taking care of him, but I feel guilty for wishing I could get some of my to-do list done. Shouldn’t my to-do list BE my kids?

I just haven’t figured out that balance with planning and not being disappointed. For two and a half years there has been no planning. The world has revolved around Joshua’s hospital stays, next surgery, sicknesses, doctors’ appointments. We managed to fit in a thing or two here and there, but more than anything Joshua called the shots. We didn’t plan much and we were okay with that.

Now, I need to adjust to this “new” normal. ANOTHER “new” normal. Joshua’s health is SO much better, HE is so much better. The last few weeks we have unplugged his oxygen monitors. But I still hold my breath every morning as I walk into his room until he makes a move or opens his eyes. His breathing use to be so loud and labored I could hear it in my room without monitors, now I wish I could tell if he was breathing. He’s just so beautiful. I love how friendly he is with new people. He just makes me smile. I am one of the luckiest mom’s in the world! Who could have thought that two amazing girls and one little boy could fill my heart with such love!

I have no idea where this is going. I know these are normal feelings. I know that God has been so faithful through each step of our journey, but I still struggle.

I posted some first day of school pictures on the carepages! Hope you got to see them!
Blessings, Olivia